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Literal Attack Ad

Can we really afford 4 more years of Kirk Deegal?

Direction, Editing, Graphics: Kristopher Knight
Narrated by Gabe Morrison
Featuring Mitra Jouhari
with Jerome Villegas & Andrew Santiago

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Decisive Action

“Fine,” I said to my captors, “If you want to treat me like an ape, I’ll act like an ape!”
“This’ll show them,” I thought to myself as I defecated in my hand and threw my feces against the wall, ceiling, and generally all over. Truth be told, I was already doing the defecating in my hand by the time I thought to say that line. If I really had to get specific, it would probably be more accurate to say the “ape” line was a later justification for throwing poop everywhere. I can see how some people might argue that, but really, it’s pointless to debate the chronology of the thing. I guess my point is get out of my face.

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Creature Feature at CIC Theater

Set in 1938 on a radio station, it’s Creature Feature Radio Hour. As the show goes live from coast-to-coast for the first time to bring “The Wolfman of Mummy Island” to life before the audience’s ears, the studio is intruded upon by a strange and malevolent extraterrestrial force with the ability to change shape. No one is safe, and everyone is a suspect. The cast may be killing each other, but “the show must go on!”

Directed by Mark Logsdon
Written by Jared Jeffries, Phil Meister, Mike Klasek, Morgan Lord
Featuring Jared Jeffries, Phil Meister, Mike Klasek, Morgan Lord, Emma Pope, Brian Biancardi and Bill Stern
Stage Managed by Sarah Borer

Fridays & Saturdays, October 4th – November 2nd @ 8pm at Chemically Imbalanced Comedy

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A Curious Patient

Claire had eyes in the back of her head. To make matters worse, she had a nose and mouth back there, too. The front of her head fared no better, as it was covered in hair. As if that weren’t enough, the whole head was attached to her body backwards so that the eyes on the back of her head faced forward. Miserable creature that she was, her adoptive mother and I did our best to raise her as a normal child. In fact, she eventually blended into society so seamlessly that no one seemed to even notice the abnormalities at all. In private, though, we always made sure to remind her that she was a twisted monster, so she wouldn’t forget her roots.

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Bear Problems 2

Dear Editor,

This letter is a response to Mr. Terrance Lambert’s March 19th letter which The Three Forks Gazette chose to publish in it’s otherwise fine pages.

This being the United States of America, certainly Mr. Lambert is entitled to his opinion. However, I can say without hyperbole that his cowardice is a cancer rotting our community from the inside.

I say what this town needs is a little more of the spirit of our pioneer forefathers.

Move the Three Forks Honey Festival? That festival has been held at the mouth of Bear Cave for the past 50 years, and it will continue as long as I am alive. And as long as my remaining children are alive. The only thing that can stop us is giving up. Maybe if a few more people had the strong will of former Mayor Lee “No Bear” Hillsdale (the man for which No Bear Hill was named), we would make it through the opening ceremony this year.

Hillsdale shared the Pioneer Spirit. He knew that when founders like my great, great, grandfather came here in 1880 they wouldn’t be stopped by little things like mercury contamination, rampant dysentery, and the fact that Indians already lived there. And certainly not hundreds of aggressive bears.

When Terrance Lambert’s great grandfather came here–six months ago (from back east, folks…), he lacked this same Pioneer Spirit. The First Families of Three Forks moved here for religious freedom and relaxed gambling laws. Old-Man-Lambert was simply passing through town on his way to California. Yet both shared the same fate: savagely mauled to death by bears. The difference is in how they lived their lives. One cowardly visiting his son during a train layover and the other as a glorious, brief, and extremely violent celebration of life.

The fact is, it’s appeasement policies from pushovers like Terrance Lambert that have given the bears their current foothold. How dare he suggest that the hard working people of Three Forks alter their lifestyles to stave off wave after wave of bear attacks. If anything, we should be more bold, to show the bears that no amount of aggression can deter us. If not, then three of my five daughters have already died in vain.

Let us ask ourselves; has Terrance Lambert ever lost a child to the bears? No, he hasn’t. He’s only lost one to Mercury poisoning. Pretty hard to relate to, isn’t it?

My daughter Nancy, who recently became our oldest, has the Pioneer Spirit. Her birthday is coming up next week. When I think of some bear-sympathizer stooge denying her the childhood innocence of busting a piñata upwind of a family of grizzlies, it makes my blood boil. No bear is going to tell my family how to act. If a bear wants my little girl’s piñata, they’ll have to rip it from her cold dead hands, as they so often have.

That’s the Pioneer Spirit.

This weekend, I will be first in line for the blindfolded three-legged race and log crawl in Bear Hollow that Mr. Lambert is so afraid to run…and I will do it with the pride in our community that he so sorely lacks. I will proudly flaunt that same pride each and every day until the bears ferociously rip my limbs from my still-screaming body. The question is: will you be with me?

After all, if we let these setbacks dampen our spirits, then haven’t the bears have already won?

Sincerely,
-Jim Arster

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Epiphany

As she began her story, I wondered why I was so much better at faking interest in Aunt Rose than I was at faking interest in other people. Then it hit me: maybe I wasn’t faking it at all. Maybe I was genuinely interested in another person. Yes, that was it! I actually cared about this kind old woman…and it felt good! I was a good person after all! I was so caught up in the excitement of self-discovery that I missed most of what Rose actually said. I would have asked her to repeat it, but she died pretty soon after that. Still, though, it was worth it to have that moment with her, whatever it was about. Something about an oxygen tank or something.

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The Blame Game

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on society. Fool me four times, shame on me again because I really should have seen that coming. Fool me five times, though, and it’s back on you because, seriously, why are you such an asshole?

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Making Small Talk

Everybody thinks it’s rude to ask a man point-blank how he lost that leg. Nobody ever thinks twice about asking how a dog lost it’s leg. When they see a man, a child, and a dog all together, though, and all three of them are missing the one leg, they just go with it.