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Spitballing

I know I’m going out on a limb here, but I think we should start a business together. Before you stop me, let me point out that, yes, I’m aware of the difficulties we are going to face and, yes, we are doing everything we can to fix the gas leak in the room right now. We have a strong business model, a precedent has already been set and–this isn’t just the gas talking–I am a dinosaur.
What? No, maybe you have your priorities backward. I told you we’re working on the gas leak. Anyway, I have some numbers I’d like to show you from the city–Hold on. Can I call you right back? The faucet is screaming at me.

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Observations

The first thing I noticed was that my pee smelled like asparagus. The second thing I noticed was that it wasn’t just asparagus: my pee smelled like anything I ate or drank. The third thing I noticed was that I was smelling my pee an awful lot. I asked my neighbor, the former astronaut, what this said about me as a person and (typical) all he said was “How did you get into our house and why have you peed everywhere?!” In retrospect, this is a perfectly valid counter-question, but it’s not really an answer, is it, Tom?

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Making Small Talk

Everybody thinks it’s rude to ask a man point-blank how he lost that leg. Nobody ever thinks twice about asking how a dog lost it’s leg. When they see a man, a child, and a dog all together, though, and all three of them are missing the one leg, they just go with it.

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Epiphany

As she began her story, I wondered why I was so much better at faking interest in Aunt Rose than I was at faking interest in other people. Then it hit me: maybe I wasn’t faking it at all. Maybe I was genuinely interested in another person. Yes, that was it! I actually cared about this kind old woman…and it felt good! I was a good person after all! I was so caught up in the excitement of self-discovery that I missed most of what Rose actually said. I would have asked her to repeat it, but she died pretty soon after that. Still, though, it was worth it to have that moment with her, whatever it was about. Something about an oxygen tank or something.

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Re: Feature Title

Re: Feature Title
Originally posted on killallcomedy.com

 

To: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
From: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

Liz,
Wrapping up that feature on the new comedy club downtown. Need title. Torn between “No Laughing Matter” or “Seriously Funny.” Totally stuck. Suggestion?

-Donal

 

 

To: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
From: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

D,
Obviously, It’s important to everybody on staff that we get this one right. We can’t have a repeat of the John Glenn traveling exhibit. We’re going to nail this one the first time.

Not sure how much help I can offer. Stuck myself…working on title for article about movies based on true stories.

Wrapping my head around this. Sounds like you think think these guys are funny, but they (paradoxically) take the business of comedy seriously. Have you considered “Funny Business”?

-Liz

 

 

To: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
From: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

Liz,
Funny Business! Golden! I was starting to get a little worried. Still reeling from the John Glenn incident. Can’t believe News4U beat us to “Out of This World.”

-Donal

 

 

To: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
From: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

D,
Still “reeling”?! Eureka! For my the movie story –movies are shown on “reels.” Based on stories that are “real.” Might be something there. Will look into feasibility.

-Liz

 

 

To: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
From: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

Liz,
Last minute nerves kicking in…one small concern with “Funny Business”…too smart? Sure, you and I get it, but will Joe Sixpack?

-Donal

 

 

To: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
From: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

You’re right. We can do better. Our readers deserve it. Forwarding this message to my mentor from Journ school. Just finished his manuscript about Cambodian genocide. He’s a genius.

PS- Reel/Real thing was a dead end. Back to the drawing board.

-Liz

 

 

To: editor@weeklyfreebie.net, dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
From: sbell@brynmawr.edu
Re: Fwd: Feature Title

“Ph” instead of “F”?

 

 

To: editor@weeklyfreebie.net, sbell@brynmawr.edu
From: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

Dr. Bell,
Phunny Business! Brilliant! Let’s change the case of the letters for maximum humor! “pHuNnY bUsiNesS!” I’m LOLing just thinking about it, (in an informed way). Can’t wait to see their faces at Snooze4U when that one hits the stands.

-Donal

 

To: dholliver@weeklyfreebie.net
From: editor@weeklyfreebie.net
Re: Feature Title

Donal,
LoVE the CaSeS iDEa! Devastating news, though. We don’t have clearance for Comic Sans (or CoMiC saNS…can’t get enough of this!).

Have to shelve the story until we can work it out with the layout guy. So sorry. It’s a tough business. Will buy you a drink after issue is out.

PS – We almost did it, didn’t we?

-Liz

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A Curious Patient

Claire had eyes in the back of her head. To make matters worse, she had a nose and mouth back there, too. The front of her head fared no better, as it was covered in hair. As if that weren’t enough, the whole head was attached to her body backwards so that the eyes on the back of her head faced forward. Miserable creature that she was, her adoptive mother and I did our best to raise her as a normal child. In fact, she eventually blended into society so seamlessly that no one seemed to even notice the abnormalities at all. In private, though, we always made sure to remind her that she was a twisted monster, so she wouldn’t forget her roots.

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The Rules

There is only one rule: There are no rules. Except one: have fun. And the first rule…the one about there being only one rule, which I guess makes two. So there are two rules: there are no rules and under all circumstances have fun. Also no shoving, but I think that’s implied by the second rule. I feel like I should mention it, though, because to be perfectly honest, we’ve had a real shoving problem around here lately. That’s probably my fault because a lot of people tune out completely after they hear the first rule. And because I do a lot of shoving. So there are three rules, and the third rule is there are no rules.

5794886342_09b5797e87

Observations

The first thing I noticed was that my pee smelled like asparagus. The second thing I noticed was that it wasn’t just asparagus: my pee smelled like anything I ate or drank. The third thing I noticed was that I was smelling my pee an awful lot. I asked my neighbor, the former astronaut, what this said about me as a person and (typical) all he said was “How did you get into our house and why have you peed everywhere?!” In retrospect, this is a perfectly valid counter-question, but it’s not really an answer, is it, Tom?