Let’s Talk About The Skeleton You Found in Grandma’s Chminey

Okay, kids. Everybody have a seat. Calm down. Let’s talk about the skeleton you found in the chimney.

First of all, I just want to preemptively say it’s not Santa Claus. So, moving on…

It’s not…so just settle. I’m sure once the police get here, we’ll be able to sort out this whole mess, but I just want to make sure you kids are okay. That’s a pretty scary thing to find when you’re playing in your Grandma’s den. You probably have a lot of questions about what you saw and I’m not sure if I can answer all of them, but–Jaimie–JAIMIE–It’s not Santa Claus, okay?

Because I just know. Dads know this sort of thing. Judging by the way the skeleton is facing downward, I’d say it was probably somebody trying to rob your grandma and they just got stuck. That explains the big sack.

Anyway, scary stuff happens in life sometimes and we have to be brave. That’s what growing up is all about. Remember last year when grandpa died?

It’s not Grandpa.

Don’t cry. It’s not Grandpa. We went to Grandpa’s funeral, remember? Remember seeing Grandpa in the casket?

Please stop crying.

The point is, we buried grandpa. He’s not in the chimney. And neither is Santa Claus.

Look, these bones are completely clean. They’ve probably been up there for at least a year, so it can’t be Santa. You both got Christmas presents last year, didn’t you?

I didn’t ask if you got good presents. I’m sorry if you didn’t get everything you wanted last year, but that does not mean that Santa is dead.

It doesn’t.

Okay, here we go. Santa Claus isn’t in the chimney. You know why? Because he isn’t even real.

No, Grandpa was real. Remember how you used to sit on Grandpa’s lap?

Well, no, you didn’t sit on Santa’s lap…that was just pretend. It was just somebody dressed in a Santa suit…actually, your grandfather dressed in a Santa suit, so…it–

No, Grandpa wasn’t covering for Santa dying, either. For all practical purposes, he was Santa. So in a way, we buried them both.

Yes, Grandma knew. She’s the one who bought the costume. It looked just like the one hanging from this skeleton.

Please stop crying.